For several days now, since last Saturday in fact, I haven’t known what to say. I watch Sibylle struggle through the steps of understanding her mother’s apartment, finances, responsibilities, and so forth, and I realize that my father is aging and that my turn in this role is approaching.

When Michele died everything that was her’s and ours became mine. I was able to take my time letting go of clothes or other potential keepsakes. I didn’t have to travel, and I didn’t have to make all my negotiations in a foreign land using a language that was no longer my primary language.

When my mother died my father was in a similar position as I had been with Michele. The property all came to him through no action of his. Logistically is was relatively easy.

With the death of Sibylle’s mother however, there are any number of factors which multiply the difficulty of managing her estate. Sibylle hasn’t lived in Germany for 20 years. Her German language skills have started to perish, and many of the matters she is now managing were things she never did before, so she never had the language for them to begin with.

She has had to navigate the notary system, trying to determine if she needs what is called a “heir certificate.” She has worked long hours with an incredibly helpful local bank to understand her mother’s investments, and to establish control over the accounts there so that she can continue to meet her mother’s responsibilities. She has reconnected with an old high school friend who has provided advice and answers. And she has started the unique process of sifting through her mother’s life to catalog and understand what is left.

All of this in the week following her mother’s funeral, all of this knowing that her time in Germany is limited – we fly to Kansas on Sunday. All of this with the pressure to feel like something is being accomplished.

I feel that Sibylle has accomplished a great deal. She has made arrangements to have high resolution digital images made of nearly 200 of her mother’s paintings. She has donated study pieces of her mother’s to the senior center where Hannelore studied painting. She has learned about her mother’s accounts and established control over them. Moreover she has developed a wonderful relationship with the account manager over her mother’s account, meaning she’ll be able to email or call with questions, concerns, and transactions.

On Thursday we traveled to Bürg to a small church that has a monthly coffee and cake fund raiser. Hannelore had taken us there before and Sibylle wanted to let them know of her mother’s death. We made a small donation in her mother’s name.

Earlier this week Sibylle and I went to the local newspaper and placed an obituary in the paper, and we returned to the funeral home to pick up the condolences book that had been signed by everyone attending Saturday’s service.

She contacted the Winnenden notary, who proved to be very knowledgeable and very helpful, to find out about the heir certificate and also how to respond to inquires from the government agency managing the banks. His suggestion to contact them in writing and ask for a written response, so that there weren’t any misunderstandings, was excellent.

Sibylle worked with the downstairs neighbors to make her mother’s garage space available, and to have them look in on the apartment until she can return to do more there. And she was able to give two orchids from her mother’s apartment to her high-school friend Gela.

We were able to transport some 165 of her mother’s watercolor paintings to a local photographer, who made high resolution pictures of them for us, starting a catalog of her mother’s work. Some of the paintings are stunning and her hope is to exhibit them here in Germany in the future, and perhaps use the digital images on calendars and cards to fund a foundation in her mother’s name.

We started a pictorial inventory of the apartment, largely to share with Sibylle’s sister, aunt, and cousin, so that they could select items they wanted. And this afternoon, just before leaving the apartment, I walked through each room with the video camera to capture as much as possible visually for later reference.

All week we have had contact with numerous people, all of who have been helpful, and many of whom have gone out of their way to assist us. I told Sibylle that I really appreciated the chance to connect with some ordinary Germany citizens, and that I feel fortunate that so many have stepped up to help us.

It has been a long week following the funeral last Saturday, and a long two weeks since her mother’s death on February 6th. Sibylle has accomplished a tremendous amount, all under time and emotional pressure. I am very proud of her and very grateful that I could be here to lend a hand.

Earlier I posted my frustration with trying to modify Sibylle’s return flight to the States. In all I made two calls from my cell phone to Delta’s 800 number totally about 45 minutes. Even with International Roaming from AT&T on my phone the charge is 99 cents per minute. Expensive.

At dinner this evening I told Sibylle that I felt badly about returning on Tuesday when she was staying until Sunday. I have been vacillating between returning home on Tuesday or staying the rest of the week with Sibylle. It just didn’t feel right to leave her, especially at this time.

So I called Delta again tonight. However, I took the time to hunt around on their site for a European or Germany telephone number to call. The German number had recordings in both German and English and explained that outside of normal business hours calls would be transferred to America at no additional charge. Not only was the call therefore free to us, the response time was quicker too. With the souther snow currently in the States I’m sure flights have been canceled or delayed and that Delta’s agents are working non-stop.

I was able to change my flight to match hers, and I was able to confirm that showing a copy of the death certificate when we check in would waive the $250 flight change fee. Now we have a week together in Germany to begin the process of closing her mother’s apartment.

There are many cultural differences between America and Germany. Some are more obvious than others. One in particular is the sizing of drinks.

In America we have a super-size mania that has resulted in small pails as drink sizes. Some fast food chains no longer offer a drink labeled small or medium, they only have large, super size, and keg.

Here in Germany there are two sizes offered, and only two sizes: klein oder groß. Small or large. And the amount of fluid in the drink is regulated as well. Small drinks are 0.2 liter, and large are 0.4 l. The glasses all come with a mark just below the rim that indicates .2 or .4 liters. Oh, and there is no such thing as a free refill. If you want another glass of Fanta, you pay for another glass of Fanta.

All of which leads to another difference between America and Germany. I see almost no fat people here. Certainly no where near the numbers of obese people I see every day in the States. There are some people who are plump or pleasantly filled out, but seeing someone who looks fat or out of shape is rare enough that you do a double take. The food is rich, and this trip we are finding larger portions, and every Bäckerei (bakery) offers a myriad of cakes, tortes, and other sweets for afternoon coffee and cake.

This society seems to be healthier, they walk more, bike more (the postal service workers ride bikes to deliver the mail – even in the snow), and are generally active. If I had to sum America up with one word I’d say sedentary, while I’d say active for Germany.

This afternoon there was a memorial service for Sibylle’s mother, Hannelore. It was small, intimate, beautiful, very fitting for who Hannelore was, and moving for those attending.

Over the course of the past few days Sibylle has put a lot of thought and effort in to how best to honor her mother’s memory and to mark her passing. I think the result was simply beautiful.

The room was small without seeming cramped, with a low ceiling and a solid permanent feeling. In the front of the room her mother’s urn was on display on a low pedestal with a spray of white orchids draped over the top.

On either side stood a wrought iron candelabra holding about 14 tea lights each. Originally the room was setup with a center aisle, but we rearranged the chairs to place the aisle to the left side, making room for a display of Hannelore’s art work.

Using a borrowed wallpapering table (long and narrow) covered with a beautifully textured bedspread against the wall, Sibylle was able to display several of her mother’s watercolors, large and small. At one end of the table, on a small pedestal, we placed a laptop computer running a slide show of pictures spanning Hannelore’s life.

Among the attendees was a group of Hannelore’s friends, who had shared bowling, books, and travel. They each brought a single rose, and left them on the art table, scattered between beautiful paintings and more tea lights.

The room held twenty chairs and exactly twenty people came. One of Sibylle’s friends from Gymnasium, Gela, who helped us tremendously by providing the table and transportation today, also acted as the master of ceremonies. She opened the service with a few words about what was to follow, and then there was a beautiful, slow, violin concerto movement.

Sibylle delivered her eulogy next, talking about her mother, her travels, her being a painter, and how she died. Her cousin Isabelle read another eulogy next, written by Hannelore’s sister, Sibylle’s aunt Ilse.  Gela then spoke again explaining that we should all take a moment to think about Hannelore and offer a prayer if we liked.

After the service people viewed the slide show and looked at her paintings and shared with each other.

A very old friend of Hannelore’s had arranged for a coffee and cake reception at a nearby Bäckerei. About 14 or 15 people attended for about 2 hours.

I knew Hannelore as someone who was tastefully elegant, who enjoyed good food and conversation, and beautiful art. Today’s remembrance of her was tastefully elegant, displayed her beautiful artwork, and was combined with good food and conversation. It was altogether fitting and appropriate, and very beautiful.

Ich moechte aus einer Broschuere zitieren, die die Mama vor einigen Jahren zusammengestellt hat:

“Geh aus mein Herz und suche Freud …”

 Das ist eines meiner Lieblingslieder. Es rührt mein Herz an, es erinnert mich an meine Kindertage. Damals schon hatte ich Freude an Farben und Papier und Buntstiften. Ich werde oft gefragt, seit wann ich male. Nicht etwa seit meinen Kindertagen, obwohl da schon Freude am Malen und eine gewisse Begabung vorhanden waren. Ich bin in einer kaufmännischen Familie aufgewachsen, da hat man andere Prioritäten gesetzt. Ich habe dann erst im Ruhestand die Zeit gefunden, das Hobby intensiver zu betreiben, habe dann auch das Glück gehabt, gute Lehrer zu finden, allen voran Hans Köhler in Stuttgart. Der Umgang mit Farben, Pinsel und Papier macht mir große Freude, mein Leben ist viel intensiver und reicher geworden. Ich begegne durch die Malerei interessanten Menschen, es ergeben sich gute, anregende Gespräche. Das heißt, ein Leben mit Kunst bedeutet eine andere Lebensqualität.

Geh aus mein Herz und suche Freud: Das ist es, was ich in meinen Bildern ausdrücken  möchte. Wenn man so will, heile Welt, und ich finde daran nichts Negatives. Im Gegenteil, es gibt immer noch so viel Schönes um uns herum, man muß es nur sehen wollen. Ich selbst gehe mit offenen Augen durch die Welt, ich habe Freude an einem farbenprächtigen Sonnenuntergang oder an dem ersten Krokus, der im Spätwinter aus dem Schnee herauskommt. Das gibt es vor der Haustür. Aber ich reise auch gern, und so gibt es für mich massenhaft Motive, die ich malen möchte. Ich arbeite häufig inmitten der Natur, ich fotografiere aber auch gern, und so halte ich oft im Foto fest, was ich zu Hause mit Farben gestalten möchte, wenn, zum Beispiel bei Studienreisen, die Zeit zum Malen zu knapp ist.

Zu den Bildern gibt es nicht viel zu sagen, jeder kann erkennen, was dargestellt ist. Bei den abstrakten Arbeiten kann der Betrachter seine Fantasie spielen lassen, da möchte ich niemand in eine bestimmte Richtung lenken. Ich male das, was mir gefällt: Blumen und Landschaften, das sind ruhige Bilder mit viel Stimmung.

Daheim war sie zuerst Ehefrau und Mutter, dann alleinerziehende Mutter. Sie ist dem Verein fuer alleinerziehende Muetter und Vaeter beigetreten und hat dort jahrelang die Wanderungen organisiert. Wir Kinder durften diese Wanderungen meist zweimal machen (und nicht immer enthusiastisch): einmal zum Ausprobieren, dann mit der Gruppe.

Ich habe sie mal gefragt, ob sie sich schon immer am Zigarettenrauch gestoert hat. Nein, hat sie gesagt, das kam ganz ploetzlich: Eines Tages, ohne Vorwarnung, im Buero, hat sie’s ploetzlich nimmer ausstehen koennen. Kurz darauf war sie aktiv im Nichtraucher-Verein. Jahrelang hat sie sich fuer die Rechte der Nichtraucher eingesetzt, Aufklaerungsarbeit betrieben, usw. In diesem Zusammenhang ist die folgende Geschichte bezeichnend: Meine Schwester hat damals schon geraucht, was natuerlich besonders schlimm fuer die Mama war (dass ihre eigene Tochter raucht!). Als die Mama nach Moskau gereist ist und die Vera gefragt hat, was sie ihr mitbringen soll, hat die Vera sie gebeten, eine ganz besondere Schachtel Zigaretten fuer sie mitzubringen – nicht zum Rauchen, sondern weil’s ganz besondere russische Zigaretten waren, die ihr Lieblingsautor zu der Zeit in seinen Romanen besonders oft erwaehnt, und weil die Vera zu der Zeit in alles Russische verliebt war. Hat die Nichtraucherin ihrer Tochter die russischen Zigaretten mitgebracht? Ja, hat sie. Die Zigaretten in der russischen Schachtel hat die Vera heut noch.

Viel Freud hat die Mama am gesellschaftlichen Zusammensein gehabt: gekegelt hat sie gern, zusammen zum Essen gehen, sich mit anderen Kuenstlern treffen, Fortbildungskurse jeglicher Art, Ausstellungen …

Aber sie war auch gern allein. Sie hat’s gut mit sich selbst ausgehalten.

Vor drei Wochen war sie noch im Krankenhaus, da haben Mark und ich sie besucht. Am Telefon schon, und dann auch im Krankenhaus, war ich erstaunt, wie wach sie geistig war: wochenlang hat sie auf dem Ruecken gelegen und weisse Krankenzimmerwaende angeschaut – da wird der gesuendeste Mensch krank! Geistig war sie aber immer voll da, immer noch interessiert an vielem, hat engagiert mitdiskutiert. Sie hat mir dann erzaehlt, dass eine ihrer Bettnachbarinnen sich bei ihr beklagt hat: “Mir ist so langweilig!” Die Mama hat nicht recht gewusst, was sie dazu sagen sollt, hat dann halt gefragt: “Ja, was machen Sie denn daheim?” – “Ferngucken halt …” Da hat die Mama zu mir gesagt, mit Enthusiasmus, “Mir wird NIE langweilig! Ich hab viel zu viel, uber das ich nachdenken kann!!” So hat sie sich geistig wachgehalten, deswegen war sie auch nach sechs Wochen auf dem Ruecken liegen noch voll da.

ALS Amyotrophe Lateralsklerose

Eine Krankheit, die sich tueckisch und langsam einschleicht. Weil die Mama Osteoporose hatte, hat sich alles am Anfang auf die Knochen konzentriert. Dass die Hueftoperation nie richtig geheilt ist, hat sich niemand erklaeren koennen – jetzt wissen wir, dass das schon ein erstes Symptom der ALS war. Oft hinfallen, stolpern, sich nicht auffangen koennen, wenn sie hinfiel – mehrere Untersuchungen in einer nuerologischen Klinik ergaben nur, dass es nicht MS war. Eine Kruecke, um stabiler zu sein, dann zwei, dann der Rollator … Sie hat sich dann nimmer gern aus dem Haus getraut, weil die Leute sie oft aus Gedankenlosigkeit angerempelt haben. Aber gereist, in ferne Laender, ist sie trotzdem noch.

Nach einigem Nachdenken hat sie mir vor drei Wochen gesagt: “Weisst du, eigentlich hat das schon im Sommer angefangen, da hab ich schon weniger Appetit gehabt. Ich hab noch dieselbe Menge wie ueblich gekocht, aber nur noch die Haelfte gegessen.”

Ueberwintern in der Turkei hat sie trotzdem noch gewollt. Aber da ging’s dann halt schnell bergab. Ich hab oft mit ihr telefoniert, und sie hat mir dann immer oefter gesagt, wie muehsam alles ist: Haende waschen, Fleisch schneiden. Aber sie hat sich auch an Schoenem gefreut: “Du solltest das Gemuese hier mal probieren! Das ist so viel schmackhafter als daheim!”

Dann der Anruf vom Krankenhaus, noch in der Tuerkei: “Frau Kuder? Einen Moment, ich verbinde sie jetzt mal mit ihrer Mutter.” Das war am 22. Dezember. Die dachten, dass vielleicht was mit dem Herzen nicht stimmt. Herz war aber ok. Am 28. 12. dann im Liegen nach Deutschland geflogen, dann ins Klinikum Esslingen. Da haben wir fast taeglich telefoniert. Ich hatte schon an Weihnachten ueberlegt, nach Deutschland zu fliegen, aber sie hat immer gesagt: “Ich taet mich riesig freuen, wenn du kaemst, aber es ist nicht notwendig – es waer ein Luxus.”

Mark und ich haben dann beschlossen, dass es ein notwendiger Luxus war, sie zu besuchen. Eine Woche lang waren wir in Esslingen, haben im Gaestehaus gewohnt, 5 Min von ihrem Zimmer. Einiges erledigt, Pflegeheime besichtigt, Fingernaegel geschnitten, und am letzten Tag noch Bilder gemacht.

Sie hat so viele Reisen gemacht, ich weiss ueberhaupt nicht, wo ich anfangen soll: Tuerkei, Portugal, Tunesien, Persien, Hawai, Vereinigte Staaten, Moskau. Den Schal hat sie mir gegeben, wo sie in Esslingen war. Der ist aus Dubai.

Jetzt ist sie da, wo’s keinen Unterschied macht, ob sie laufen kann, oder sitzen, stehen, essen, Arm heben. Ich stell mir das so vor: jetzt ruht sie sich erst ein bischen aus, die letzten Wochen waren anstrengend. Aber irgendwann steht sie dann auf, und guckt sich ihr neues Leben an. Bissle vorsichtig zuerst, Hals ueber Kopf war sie ja nicht, bissle vorsichtig, aber dann kommt so ganz langsam so eine kribbelige Vorfreude auf – eine neue Reise! Dass sie uns von dieser Reise dieses Mal nicht erzaehlen kann tut weh.

Trotzdem: Gute Reise, Mama.

One year ago today I had the great honor and privilege to marry my best friend, lover, partner, and companion, Sibylle. The date was significant to us as it was two and a half years to the day since we first met in person. That we are here now in Germany a year later on the eve of her mother’s funeral casts a bit of shadow on our first anniversary, but it does not dim the love I feel for her, nor the love I feel from her.

We acknowledged it to each other several times today. And I know we are both taking comfort in the other’s presence here today, this week, in this place.

There is no one I’d rather be with more, no one I want to share this life with more, no one I care about more, no one I am more devoted to, no one I adore more, than my wife. Sibylle.

I love you Sibylle.

Happy Anniversary.

When we made our reservations for the flight to Germany last weekend, I called Delta to find out about bereavement flights. in our case, due to the flight being international, the bereavement tickets would have been considerably more expensive. Instead what we did, with the coaching of Delta, was book regular tickets and then call Delta to have them note on the electronic record the nature of our trip. I was told that should we then have to make a change to the tickets (something that is free with domestic bereavement tickets) that Delta would likely waive the $250 change fee.

After several discussion about what Sibylle would like to accomplish while in Germany this trip we decided that she should return on Sunday the 21st rather than on Tuesday the 16th. This evening I called Delta (at a cost of $1 a minute on my cell phone) to change her return ticket.

That I was on hold for nearly all of the 21 minutes of the call was the first frustration. Listening to insipid music while you are helpless to do anything about it is highly rude and obnoxious. Instead of giving me language options at the start of the call, give me an option to have silence while I wait rather then drippy syrupy crappy musak.

The agent who finally took my call was able to split our reservation into two different reservations. However she wasn’t able to waive the change fee like I had been told. Well, not with out documentation. They want a copy of the death certificate, which we have. The problem is that the airport is a full hour away by train, perhaps 45 minutes away by car. Tomorrow is the funeral itself so traveling to and from the airport isn’t possible. On Sunday I’ll have to take two hours for the round trip plus however long it takes to get a waiver for the change fee.

I understand that companies have policies, and that anyone can call the airline and claim a death in the family to try and get special treatment, but I found the manner in which that information was imparted to me tonight to be brusque and not at all compassionate. Of course my patience is a little thin today, and having used it all up stewing on hold didn’t help.

To Delta’s credit they are going to hold seats on next Sunday’s flight to Atlanta and from there to Kansas City. It sounds like neither flight is full, so it shouldn’t be a problem for Sibylle to get home that day. I just wanted to be able to have this all taken care of and done. Having to wait two days and travel to accomplish it is frustrating.

The focus of this week has been to arrange a memorial service for Sibylle’s mother. Along side of that we have also been dealing with various bureaucracies, contacting friends of her mother’s and friends of Sibylle’s. It has been a good week, and we both are feeling like we are getting done what we set out to accomplish.

Funerals are different in Germany than in America. From personal experience I know that you can take the cremated remains of your loved one home and store them on the mantel, or where ever you choose. In Germany you must show proof that the remains will be interred. While it is possible to ship the remains to America, we must have a letter from a funeral home there stating that we will handle the remains in accordance with the law. The funeral master here in Winnenden as much as admitted that no one in Germany would follow up with the final disposition of the remains once they were in America, but he must have a letter in order to allow us to ship the remains.

We contacted a local funeral home in Manhattan and they were more than happy to provide the letter and to receive the shipment, all for no charge to us. Simple acts of generosity like this are incredibly meaningful to both of us right now.

Sibylle has navigated several official services this week. Two weeks ago she and her mother finalized a power-of-attorney document and made arrangements for a notary to witness the signature. The notary was supposed to provide this document to Sibylle only it hadn’t arrived before we returned to Germany this week. Upon opening her mother’s mail we discovered a bill for the notary service. It seems he would not mail the final document until he was paid. What made this a bitter pill to swallow was how he handled the bill. He knew that Sibylle was in America, and that her mother was going to be in the rehab clinic for at least three weeks. Sending the bill to her mother’s home address needlessly delayed getting this document.

In order to manage some aspects of her mother’s estate Sibylle needs either a heir certificate, which could take six weeks to be processed and delivered, or a power-of-attorney that extends beyond death. After contacting the Winnenden notary (the one responsible for the village where her mother lived) we learned that the Esslingen notary did the work since that is where her mother was when the document was signed. Through the Winnenden notary we were able to contact the Esslingen notary and determine that the document does in fact extend beyond death. The notary wasn’t aware that Frau Bohlig had passed away, but in light of that fact agreed to mail the document to her mother’s apartment ahead of getting paid. We should have it in hand tomorrow or Saturday.

The local bank her mother used has been very helpful and considerate. The account manager we’ve worked with has been patient and very generous with her time. And the funeral master at the funeral home has been incredibly helpful, answering any number of questions about how funerals work in Germany, as well as questions about how apartment leases are handled here.

Throughout all of these other concerns, Sibylle has been pulling together a service for her mother. We decided to have a small service this Saturday in the afternoon, and then later this spring, perhaps in May, a larger memorial service. Sibylle contacted the local Evangelish pastor to see about her (the pastor’s) participation. Unfortunately the pastor had some fairly set ideas about the structure and content of a service. Neither the structure nor the content felt appropriate for Sibylle’s mother. Sibylle said that she was glad we explored that avenue, as now she won’t wonder if an Evangelish presence should have been at the service. Everyone we have shared this decision with so far has been very supportive, so we feel like it was the right choice.

Each day this week we have spent the daylight hours making phone calls, visiting the funeral home, visiting the bank, and the notary, and spending time in her mother’s apartment. In the evenings we return to our very secluded, peaceful room in Bürg to digest what the day held, and to continue contacting people and planning for the next day.

It has been a long week, but ultimately, I think, a good week.

So much to do, and actually plenty of time to do it.

Things are overwhelming at times.  As a first-born, good daughter, I feel the pressure to not only do it all but also do it right now. 

It helps then to ask the funeral master what does need to happen right away.  There is actually not that much:  we need to set a date for the Trauerfeier; and I need to prepare the Trauerfeier.   Of course in order to set the date, I wanted to get the input of the people who will be traveling to get here – that would be my mother’s sister and her daughter (my cousin) from Switzerland -, and I needed to confirm when the pastor is available.  These phone calls are made a bit more challenging by the fact that despite international roaming, using our cell phones here in Germany is outrageously expensive: 99 cents a minute.  Using my mother’s phone in her apartment isn’t really an option because it does not work reliably.  Then my aunt has a life and is not exactly sitting by the phone, twiddling her thumbs while waiting for me to call.

Preparing the Trauerfeier takes a lot of time because I have never done anything like this, and because my German is not as fluent as my English.  I find myself translating English/American idioms into German, and such.  I have a general idea of what should happen (=what I want to happen) and the very general shape and form of the Trauerfeier, but I want it all organized and written down, so it’s more concrete and also so that if I should lose it, someone else could take over.

Tomorrow, I will meet with the pastor, and also with the bank.

Further things on the to-do list:  call the secretary of the notary tomorrow to see what she found out about the Power of Attorney my mother had done ten days ago.  (If the General Power of Attorney specifies ”beyond death” then I will not need to wait for the local notary to set things in motion to get me an Erbschein which could take six weeks.  My mother had discussed the Power of Attorney with me, so I know in general what it says, but not exact details.) 

The notary in Esslingen (the town where the hospital is located) visited my mother, in the hospital, and they wrote it all up and he was going to send me a copy, one to my aunt, and I believe one to my mother.  Neither my aunt nor I received anything, and the rehab clinic to which my mother had been transferred didn’t have anything either.  When I emailed a few days ago and requested a pdf copy, they emailed back to say that they were not equipped to do that, technically.

Today, among my mother’s mail, I found a letter from said notary, with a bill.  The letter stated that he would send out the copies of the Power of Attorney as soon as the bill was paid. 

How did he expect that bill to get paid when he sends it to my mother’s home address – after she told him that she’d be transferred from the hospital to a rehab clinic for three weeks = not be home for a while??  Dumb-ass, and so disgustingly inconsiderate, I don’t know which is worse.

At this time then, I only know that a Power of Attorney exists, and I can only hope that it has the specifics of “beyond death”.  (And then there is of course the matter of getting that document into my hands.  Mark already offered to take the trains to Esslingen to pick it up.)

More to-do:  in my mother’s apartment, go through her pictures = her paintings but also photographs of her, and other things, and see which would be appropriate to display at the Trauerfeier.  The funeral home has two easels, which means that if I want to display more than two paintings, I need to locate more easels.

My sister has been busy scanning and then uploading (via dial-up …) old photographs etc for us to use.  Mark offered to make them into a slide-show on his laptop which we plan to show at the Trauerfeier, in the background, while people gather. 

Thinking about the role of the pastor:  at first, I didn’t want anyone from the outside, especially not a religious person who would ask me all kinds of questions about my mother just so that she (the pastor) can then tell us at the Trauerfeier something about my mother (whom she had never met).  But.  My mother was religious, quietly, and in her own way.  She hardly ever attended church, but she for instance did not allow jokes about the Bible, she said it was just not appropriate.  She was baptized, confirmed, and I think she should leave this earth under the care of some kind of religious official.  On the phone, the pastor sounded nice, I just hope that I will be able to explain what I want and that the pastor is then willing to do just that.

The bank:  is actually fairly easy, as Herr Alexander from the funeral home explained:  anything that pays a bill related to my mother – funeral home, cremation, etc – can be authorized by me per bank transfer (which is how most bills get paid in Germany anyway).  That way there’s a paper trail and therefore proof that it had to do with my mother.  I can of course not withdraw cash.  Once I have the Power of Attorney, I can take care of matters beyond those bills.

Mark and I are not sure what a reasonable time to close her apartment would be.  We know that two weeks would be very much pushing it.  It might force us to make rash decisions, and neither Mark nor I like the idea of regretting sometime in the future that in the interest of time, we did things too fast.  I need to find out what the law says about ending a lease after someone dies.  Everything, everything is different in Germany.

Sibylle and I are benefiting from a bit of happenstance this afternoon. A wonderful bit of peace and quiet amidst an otherwise tumultuous week.

Our flight from Atlanta was smooth and unremarkable. The plane was no where near full and consequently people were spread out across two and three seats all over the cabin. By booking one of the two-seat sides of the aisle instead of the three-seat center I seem to have cost us the chance to stretch out and sleep a bit. Fortunately there were some two-seaters open and I moved back a few rows so that Sibylle and I could both spread out a bit and try to sleep. I don’t know how much sleep we managed to get, but I feel like I got more on this overnight flight than the one two weeks ago.

After clearing immigration and customs we bought tickets for the S3 S-Bahn to take us to Winnenden. Once there we meet with Herr Alexander at the funeral home. He was extremely helpful, taking his time to answer all of our many questions, and explaining the differences between what can and cannot be done in Germany as opposed to America. For example, in Germany a cremation requires a casket whereas in America it does not. Some of the information he provided us added to this week’s to-do list in a constructive way. We know what official documents to get or deliver now.

Herr Alexander also located a hotel room for us; one that met our requirement of having Internet access. We knew of two hotels in the center of Winnenden that had Internet access and had talked about staying at one of them. They were both booked, however, so we ended up at the Burghotel “Schöne Aussicht” in Bürg. Bürg has a medieval tower dating back to the 1100s and we have visited it twice in prior trips to Germany. Located on a hill top east of Winnenden, it has incredible views of the surrounding countryside. The hotel is very nice and is a place Sibylle has long desired to visit and stay at. Our room has a private balcony with a vast view to the southwest. It also has Internet access (free), a heated tile floor in the bathroom, and an excellent restaurant just up stairs.

Staying here in a place of peace and beauty seems appropriate and moreover takes excellent care of us in the middle of a difficult week.

Picture taken September 2007. The hotel is to the left, and down, from the tower, and our room is the balcony on the corner of the building, between the two white walls.